If I Ruled the World

While no one should question the motives of the late and truly great Leslie Bricusse when he co-wrote “If I Ruled The World,” you can’t help but feel an opportunity was missed. Those carefully crafted and hugely memorable lyrics about Spring, freedom and love were all very worthy, but really aren’t there bigger wrongs to right – and chances to seize?

Accordingly, around half a century on I’ve decided it’s high time I spelt out my mandate to be World Leader. And don’t worry, as my song writing talents make Jedward look like Lennon and McCartney, I’ve opted to do it in a different format of sorts, although keeping the musical theme. As “It Was Easy as A,B,C” for the Jackson family, heres’ my A to Z for a better world.

Abrdn. This bonkers rebrand is a classic example of supposed advertising gurus using BS to baffle brains. A once great financial institution, Aberdeen signed up to this comical lunacy and its share price tanked. These con artists should be banned.

Brexit. It’s over, ok? Done. Finito. Fermé. It’s over – and we’re out. To keep picking at it, whichever side you were on, is tiresome and like picking at a scab. Therefore, every time it is mentioned by a politician, campaigner, or anyone else, a tax of £10 (or 50€!) would be levied.

Coffee. Since when did ordering a coffee become like reading the score for a Puccini opera? Ristretto, mezzo mezzo, doppio, macchiato. From Costa to Nero, coffee shop staff will be instructed to point and laugh at any customer ordering a ludicrously titled brew. And the more pretentious the name, the longer the laughter.

Dogs. The incessant cross breeding of dogs is to stop. While I admit a Cockerpoo is as adorable as is possible for a dog to be, it’s causing congenital defects to some dogs. And if not checked, a BullShih Tzu is just around the corner.

Editing. No film will be permitted to run for more than 120 minutes. Yes, Oppenheimer was brilliant – but how it won the Oscar for best editing this year was a mystery. There wasn’t any!

Flying. Once the preserve of jet setters and high glamour. Think Cary Grant or Elizabeth Taylor sweeping through Heathrow to board a gleaming Pan Am “Clipper” en route to New York. Now, you’re likely to see a family of five dressed for a visit to the local tip eating buckets of chicken nuggets and guzzling barreloids of cheap grog. Under my rule, any airline allowing passengers to board in clothing that would have them barred from a respectable restaurant would be closed down.

Governments. Around the world, dissatisfaction – rightly – grows. So, global satisfaction levels with our governments shall be published.

Haitch. You don’t bank at ‘Haitch-SBC’ nor do you get treatment from the ‘N Haitch S.’ This appalling laziness of politicians, broadcasters and others will result in heavy fines.

Innovation. Once one of the world’s greatest innovators, we have sadly fallen behind much of Asia as well as many other places on the planet. Classes in secondary schools will teach it – and reap the benefits.

Justice. Or rather, the lack of it. When a Judge hands out a lamentably low sentence for a serious crime because he or she has been conned by the old lag saying he’ll take up poetry, they have to appear at a press conference to justify their dodgy decision.

Kilometre. A recent BBC traffic report had the line :” Speeds have been reduced to just 30 miles an hour on a 12 kilometre stretch of the M25 in Surrey.” It can’t be both. Kilometres are banned until further notice.

Lunch. You’ve got to have it. No key announcement or decision anywhere on earth should be made prior to lunch. It is insanity that here a chancellor always delivers a budget before lunch and the Prime Minister is hurled into the bearpit of PMQ’s before he’s got a proper meal inside him.

Music. Loud Music. Police will be granted the powers to stop any car with the music blaring too loudly, with the windows open. They will also be empowered to remove the radio and smash it to smithereens.

'No Eating' signs in theatres. From La Scala in Milan to the Sydney Opera House, why can’t an audience get through a show without tucking into the equivalent of a three course meal?

Old Trafford, but the cricket ground not the football stadium and the heartache of the Ashes series wash out last year. In my world, the Australians will be removed from the England cricket tour circuit.

Phones, mobile ones. Staff will patrol train corridors and anyone heard saying something along the lines of “Hi, it’s me – I’ve just got on the train” will be forced to get off at the next station and have their dammed device confiscated.

Queue. As we’re never happier than when in one, it shall be rewarded globally. Staff at airport departure gates will be on the lookout for “good queuers” who will be able to board ahead of any Gold Card member, family needing assistance or passing Sheikh.

Rio de Janeiro. Simply one of the best cities on earth. It needs to be moved closer to the UK.

South African rugby. Their first XV will be obliged to sit a written test on the rules of the game the night before any match. It might just help … a bit!

Tracksuits. Why do some of our most unfit adult men and women think they look good in one. You DON’T. In future, this kind of clothing can only be worn by professional sports players or anyone 18 or under.

Unicycles. Surely the funniest of all forms of transport, anyone able to ride one of these successfully in busy traffic, such as around the Coliseum in Rome or across New Delhi in rush hour, will be given a 50% tax break thanks to the merriment they will engender.

Vegans. Their conversation in restaurants about how veganism has improved their skin, sleep, sex life and bank balance will be limited to five minutes within the first half hour of sitting down.

Water skiing. It will be illegal for any water sports centre on earth to advertise that it’s “quick and fun to learn.” It is not. It is embarrassing, you spend more time under water than Jacques Cousteau - and it hurts.

X: voting, as in putting your X. Every election should have a chance to vote for ‘None of the Above,’ and if they win, the vote is invalid. By the way, this would sweep the board in the US in November.

You know. If a politician was to say this, they’d face a by election and a broadcaster would face the sack. No, we don’t bloody know – and YOU should KNOW better than to be this complacent.

Zzzzs. As you doze off to sleep this evening having read this, ask yourself: Isn’t this a manifesto for world domination. You know it makes sense.

Nick Ferrari hosts the Morning Show on LBC on weekdays from 07:00 – 10:00